If pain is indeed the great renovator then I expect God uses it judiciously and with great wisdom to get our attention, draw us near and teach us how much he loves us.  Case in point:

I decided to start to really focus on getting rid of my debt (financial). I don't have a lot but enough that it annoys me on a monthly basis and, it was getting to a buy food or pay bills kind of situation. I found a promising ad in the local paper and took on two cleaning jobs. In making the decision I never once included God, invited God, consulted God. I was gonna do this, period. Now if God wanted to get behind me and support me he was more than welcome but this is how it was going to be.

Well, my loving Father, who thankfully, knows me so well and loves me so much had other plans. Into my second week I pulled a groin muscle. Man alive, I had pain before my hip replacements but not as acute or intense as this. Stubborn or stupid, I just kept on cleaning and doing my other job. The first two weeks I walked (I can't believe I did this) to and from all my jobs, some nights and days bawling like crazy with pain. One night I was facing down the hill just before my place and prayed " God, anyone who comes along and offers me a ride from here on in I am always going to say yes. Please send somebody". A car went by, slowed down and reversed. It was a musician from my churches Gospel group who had seen me hobbling around at work while they entertained that very day. He and his wife picked me up and drove me right to my door. Best part was declaring God to them as an a answer to prayer. Another time, a young girl I didn't know but who had seen me crutching (yep finally pulled out the sticks) around town offered me a lift. Many friends and acquaintances stopped too and I am grateful to everyone of you.

I still had the attitude that God should get on board with me, even as I called cried out to him in pain while cleaning. Then I got mad at him. Didn't he know how hard I was trying? Couldn't he see the good in what I was doing? I mean I could start to tithe once the debt was erased!!! Then I expanded my grievances to include things that were none of my business but I tied them to my own sense of being forsaken.

When I finally got to the part where it goes "What kind of God...?" I stumbled on a video by some of the Seattle Seahawk that stopped me in my tracks. Basically I remember two things. 1. Some things are out of our control. 2. His ways are higher. They quoted from 2 Corinthians :7 and Psalm 119.
I opened my Bible and my attitude changed. I want to be very clear : my attitude changed, Not God's. I had tried to find ways to get him to do what I wanted, what I thought was right, but no dice. His ways are higher.

Here's what I take from all of this. First of all, everything and I mean everything in my life goes through the filter of God's wisdom and love first. Any thing I want or need goes through Him. Second I learned that God can and does use pain for higher purpose. It sucks, totally, but when I am not listening drastic measures are in order (which is true for all of us). Third God never said he didn't want me to clean/pay off debt/move forward, He wants me to invite him to join me. Weird but nine weeks (yes I am that stubborn) later I opened the Bible and started to pray for everything and everyone and I had my first crutch free week. Also had my first deep, refreshing sleep last night. Coincidence? I think not. Fourth and very significantly, even in the midst of the misery I create God sends help in the form of friends and strangers. Even to an ungrateful, willful wretch like me he doesn't want me to do all by myself.

 I  am humbled and I am so loved. Thank you God for all of it, every bump and bruise that is used to bring me closer. Thank you for your blessings, for friends and strangers, for all of it. I am so grateful!

Butter Side Down

I am having a 'Butter Side Down" day.  What I mean is that everything I get involved in or touch: just like the toast at the beginning of what is shaping up to be a particularly trying day, goes on the floor 'butter side down'. There's a 50/50 chance of a different outcome but there it is. 

These are the days when you lose control of your tooth brush and it ends up in the toilet, or the coffee is magically drawn to your clean shirt. Every one's nightmare scenario on this sort of day involves traffic jams and slow drivers. Heck let's face it: you really are the only one on the road with enough sense and courtesy to be driving anyway. Right? Photocopiers self destruct, lunch line-ups are long and the counter person tells you after you have waited and ordered they don't take Interac. I think you all get the point.

These days often appear out of nowhere, no rhyme or reason. Along they come and how you deal with it is as much about the kind of day it all turns into as it is about your character. I admit to being, in the past, a real freak outer gal. Zippers could make me apoplectic. I lacked the self discipline to reel it in and would eventually fall into a primo hissy fit, with tears and recriminations and a huge emotional hangover fueled by guilt and shame.

I have been very blessed to have been forgiven so often because there was a lot of wreckage in my path. I never meant to hurt any one's feelings or embarrass them or myself it just sort of snowballed and seemed to overwhelming to stop.

So today was just such a day. I was ticked off about having to go for an inconvenient lab test yesterday and still swimming in the chemical soup of hormones and wacked out neurons this morning. I could feel myself getting wound up. Losing patience, feeling an inappropriate sense self importance ( I mean, come on, don't they know who I am??).

Then I remembered that I was in charge of this stuff. I choose how it all shakes out. I don't want to be the uncontrolled, unhappy person I was before. I want to be gracious and kind and patient and helpful. I want the qualities that the Lord gave me in the Holy Spirit to be what goes ahead of me. Not my ego, pride, self centeredness or even my fragility.
So...deep breath, slower steps, smile and things turn around. Thank you Lord. I apologized to someone who was not sure how to take my behavior (even though it was sort of meant to be a joke it had a TONE).
Their loving heart put us together in a hug and forgiveness reigned.

God has opened my eyes to what I could be, gave me the Holy Spirit to make it happen and leads me as soon as I hold out my hand and ask for help. God is good!!!

I am impatient

I have something shameful to confess: I am impatient.. I am awful when I have to wait in lineups at the bank, or if I am inconvenienced say by water shutoffs related to roadwork or being in a car line up waiting to be flagged through.

A young guy came to the door yesterday who is working with a road crew down the street. He was handing out notices of water shutoffs and when I opened the door he looked startled. Why? Well the other day when his crew hit a gas line and had to detour those of us who were on foot and driving around it (for our own safety I might add)  I was half a block from home and had to turn around and walk a longer route. I told him "You guys suck!!".  Sheesh!! What a bag eh? I wanted to tell him "It's okay kiddo, I don't really bite"

Shameful to make someone else feel bad because I cannot get a grip on my sinful nature. I just read that one of the penalties of sin is our acceptance of it. It establishes itself and takes a toll on you and anyone around you. How can I expect to be of service to anyone when I'm governed by sin?

The good news is that God forgives. I can go to him after another 'little flare up' and asked to be forgiven. The thing is though, if I don't change my behavior then the sin remains. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

So today, after snarking at the person answering the phone in the public works office regarding a 2 hour power outage I called back and apologized. She was gracious and friendly and I am grateful that she was.

Wouldn't it be horrible to walk around in your life with people startled by you all the time?  I hope I never accept sin. I hope my conscience drives me nuts and that God leans on me to change as much as is needed because I do want to be told in heaven "Well done good and faithful servant", and there is no room for sin in that statement.

I am gloriously, wondrously drunk on spring sunshine and the smell of fresh cut grass. I understand completely why Snoopy throws his head back and flings his arms out and just dances with joy. Everything just feels so alive at this time of year. Tulips are sticking their noses up about three inches to test the air, crocuses are acting like blinking neon lights advertising "This way to spring". People are out in droves, all smiley and smug because they think that they are the only ones who know it is finally spring.
I noticed the robins were back early this year and sure enough in the early morning you can hear the boys caroling for the girls. They aren't above a few late evening catcalls either. Salmo, the cat downstairs, caught his first mouse of the season. I still have my blue spray bottle to discourage him from trying to catch the birds. He doesn't eat them, just scares them to death. Stinker!! He sees me holding the spray bottle and goes the other direction, it has a pretty good stream and I am a dead accurate shot. I can usually land one good spritz up his tail feathers and that is enough to keep him on his best behavior for awhile.
All this happiness and notation of the world around me remind me of that song "This is the Day the Lord has Made" (May not be called this but that is how I remember it anyway.) It's kind of like Christmas without the winter boots. I feel cheery and friendly and want to reach out to people. I just assume everyone wants to see the birds and flowers and blue sky and so I happily chat them up and point it all out while passing them on the street. I feel renewed and refreshed and I hope that you all do too. It is such a great time of year.
Cheers
Jane