Bullying

Hi Anyone/Everyone

Today I had a topic all worked out in my head and then I saw a brief review and the trailer for a documentary called "The Bully Project" (which can be seen on The Huffington Post).
I hope it is alright to quote a line from the trailer without permission of Lee Hirsch the maker of the film. Here goes; "The power of hearing one voice in solidarity with you can be transformative". This statement really resonated with me. I was a bullied kid. I remember being fearful from an early age of being excluded by my peers and the thing that made me such an attractive target was that I was so desperate to fit in, be included, belong. I was willing to do or say anything or act out just about anyway to be part of a group I saw as superior to me.

I felt invisible and the need to be seen drove me to behaviors that I am not proud of and if anything, worked to keep me more seperate. I was loud, overly wisecracking, started smoking and drinking at an early age partly to fit in and partly to numb the pain of not fitting in.
It is hard to fathom how kids of 7 or 8 decide that you aren't really equal to them and can be so pointed and firm in their rejections. I guess the way I dressed was pretty old fashioned, I was tall and gangly, we didn't have much money in a neighbourhood where that stood out and my parents were divorced.

I think I was surprised too, by how mean people could be. I grew up in a family where my brothers and sisters and I argued and fought but I can't remember any really, truly low blows between us. We weren't very supportive of one another but there was still love there.
I had teachers, peers, people riding with me on the bus make comments about my weight or hair or how loud I was.

I became kind of a clown, easier to throw the first punch at yourself than to have someone else do it. I wasn't a prize yet I had potential and at 55 I realize I was kind of unique and nice and somehow that was always overlooked.

It wasn't until late in grade 9 that things started to turn. The summer between grade 9 and 10 I had a little encounter with anorexia (again didn't even know it had a name in those days) and dropped a lot of weight. I was demented from starvation and counting calories but the remarkable thing is people suddently started to treat me like I was human. Acknowledgement and inclusion kind of came my way. I had moments where I realized that these guys who now saw me differently really could not have given a flying fig about me but it did open the door to the first friend I had ever had.

Muriel Lindsay. She came from a girls private school and for some reason took an interest in me. She had long straight hair, was a bit chubby and since we were all playing hippy in those days had a very cool earth mama vibe that attracted me and lots of other people. She opened the world to me in ways I never imagined.

Because of her I learned to play guitar (which I still do today), hitchihiked to Hamilton for the Carlisle Bluegrass Festival, went to parties at the houses of kids who otherwise would not have shown me the time of day, made a movie with a Ryerson film student, and read the Carlos Casteneda series . I had my first sleepovers at someone elses house, sadly my first drinking blackout (more about that later), and learned the Tootie Bung dance that she learned in Jamaica over christmas. Our friendship did not totally insulate me from meaness but man it sure helped. I don't think I had ever had someone like me before, just me. It was a life altering and life saving experience without which I may not have been able to go on (I mean that literally).

Our relationship reached a peak in high school that we never were able to recapture after. I went away to university and Mureil went to live in Vancouver, hitchhiking out west with a guy and ultimately living with her Mom for a time.

Here is something that I came to see after those tortured years in grade and middle school. Muriel developed scizophrenia and the guy she went out west with dumped her on the street. Literally kicked this sick girl to the curb. When I ran into him on a bus in Toronto and he told me this with no emotion I wanted to punch him. He was this god of a guy in the in highschool and he took this beautiful girl and instead of loving her and caring for her turned her out into the street. What a jerk eh?

I really do believe that God showed me this guy for who he was so I could come to realize how very lucky I am not to be a part of that circle of people. They continued to hang out together, but what I couldn't see at the time that is so clear to me now is that I am different and thank God for that.

Being left out, bullied, made fun of has given me the insight to know what that all feels like. How lonely and sad it is to be on the receiving end of that kind of meaness, and to never want to make anybody else feel this way. It sucks and I don't have any urge to do it to somebody else. In fact I am probably a little timid at times not wanting to hurt somebodies feelings. I am a firm believer in "Everybody plays or nobody plays". I'm also surprised by how wrong I can be about people and how aware I need to be of the people I am around and the influence they have over me. It has also given me a toughness that has seen me through some very difficult times.

I still see bullying around me. I have been in work environments where cliques exist and tend to run the show whether that is in anybody but their own best interests. I've also seen people bullied, called down, or out in front of co-workers. Shamed to say I haven't always stepped up or in but it makes me sad to see people with potential to teach and lead fall on bullying to clear a path for themselves.

It is always going to be easy to find people who are different than you, weaker than you, needier than you and I think the key is to ask yourself what kind of person am I going to be, what kind of legacy am I going to leave in my wake. Do I want to use any potential I have to lift up other people or am I going to tear them down. I am so thankful for all the adversity because all that discomfort makes it easy to be compassionate today. I'm not perfect but I'm working every day to correct myself as necessary and try to see all the good in others that I can.

At fifteen I couldn't have seen how truly blessed I was going to be today.
Cheers til next time
Jane
I am really sad to report that Muriel was murdered in Vancouver over 10 years ago. Her murder has never been solved. LIttle darker out here now than it used to be. Love you Moo.