Hi Anyone/Everyone
Today I had a topic all worked out in my head and then I saw a brief review and the trailer for a documentary called "The Bully Project" (which can be seen on The Huffington Post).
I hope it is alright to quote a line from the trailer without permission of Lee Hirsch the maker of the film. Here goes; "The power of hearing one voice in solidarity with you can be transformative". This statement really resonated with me. I was a bullied kid. I remember being fearful from an early age of being excluded by my peers and the thing that made me such an attractive target was that I was so desperate to fit in, be included, belong. I was willing to do or say anything or act out just about anyway to be part of a group I saw as superior to me.
I felt invisible and the need to be seen drove me to behaviors that I am not proud of and if anything, worked to keep me more seperate. I was loud, overly wisecracking, started smoking and drinking at an early age partly to fit in and partly to numb the pain of not fitting in.
It is hard to fathom how kids of 7 or 8 decide that you aren't really equal to them and can be so pointed and firm in their rejections. I guess the way I dressed was pretty old fashioned, I was tall and gangly, we didn't have much money in a neighbourhood where that stood out and my parents were divorced.
I think I was surprised too, by how mean people could be. I grew up in a family where my brothers and sisters and I argued and fought but I can't remember any really, truly low blows between us. We weren't very supportive of one another but there was still love there.
I had teachers, peers, people riding with me on the bus make comments about my weight or hair or how loud I was.
I became kind of a clown, easier to throw the first punch at yourself than to have someone else do it. I wasn't a prize yet I had potential and at 55 I realize I was kind of unique and nice and somehow that was always overlooked.
It wasn't until late in grade 9 that things started to turn. The summer between grade 9 and 10 I had a little encounter with anorexia (again didn't even know it had a name in those days) and dropped a lot of weight. I was demented from starvation and counting calories but the remarkable thing is people suddently started to treat me like I was human. Acknowledgement and inclusion kind of came my way. I had moments where I realized that these guys who now saw me differently really could not have given a flying fig about me but it did open the door to the first friend I had ever had.
Muriel Lindsay. She came from a girls private school and for some reason took an interest in me. She had long straight hair, was a bit chubby and since we were all playing hippy in those days had a very cool earth mama vibe that attracted me and lots of other people. She opened the world to me in ways I never imagined.
Because of her I learned to play guitar (which I still do today), hitchihiked to Hamilton for the Carlisle Bluegrass Festival, went to parties at the houses of kids who otherwise would not have shown me the time of day, made a movie with a Ryerson film student, and read the Carlos Casteneda series . I had my first sleepovers at someone elses house, sadly my first drinking blackout (more about that later), and learned the Tootie Bung dance that she learned in Jamaica over christmas. Our friendship did not totally insulate me from meaness but man it sure helped. I don't think I had ever had someone like me before, just me. It was a life altering and life saving experience without which I may not have been able to go on (I mean that literally).
Our relationship reached a peak in high school that we never were able to recapture after. I went away to university and Mureil went to live in Vancouver, hitchhiking out west with a guy and ultimately living with her Mom for a time.
Here is something that I came to see after those tortured years in grade and middle school. Muriel developed scizophrenia and the guy she went out west with dumped her on the street. Literally kicked this sick girl to the curb. When I ran into him on a bus in Toronto and he told me this with no emotion I wanted to punch him. He was this god of a guy in the in highschool and he took this beautiful girl and instead of loving her and caring for her turned her out into the street. What a jerk eh?
I really do believe that God showed me this guy for who he was so I could come to realize how very lucky I am not to be a part of that circle of people. They continued to hang out together, but what I couldn't see at the time that is so clear to me now is that I am different and thank God for that.
Being left out, bullied, made fun of has given me the insight to know what that all feels like. How lonely and sad it is to be on the receiving end of that kind of meaness, and to never want to make anybody else feel this way. It sucks and I don't have any urge to do it to somebody else. In fact I am probably a little timid at times not wanting to hurt somebodies feelings. I am a firm believer in "Everybody plays or nobody plays". I'm also surprised by how wrong I can be about people and how aware I need to be of the people I am around and the influence they have over me. It has also given me a toughness that has seen me through some very difficult times.
I still see bullying around me. I have been in work environments where cliques exist and tend to run the show whether that is in anybody but their own best interests. I've also seen people bullied, called down, or out in front of co-workers. Shamed to say I haven't always stepped up or in but it makes me sad to see people with potential to teach and lead fall on bullying to clear a path for themselves.
It is always going to be easy to find people who are different than you, weaker than you, needier than you and I think the key is to ask yourself what kind of person am I going to be, what kind of legacy am I going to leave in my wake. Do I want to use any potential I have to lift up other people or am I going to tear them down. I am so thankful for all the adversity because all that discomfort makes it easy to be compassionate today. I'm not perfect but I'm working every day to correct myself as necessary and try to see all the good in others that I can.
At fifteen I couldn't have seen how truly blessed I was going to be today.
Cheers til next time
Jane
I am really sad to report that Muriel was murdered in Vancouver over 10 years ago. Her murder has never been solved. LIttle darker out here now than it used to be. Love you Moo.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
The New 'Hip'
HI Everyone, Anyone??
This is my first attempt at blogging and I am not really sure what to expect. I wanted to write because I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life and I am pretty sure I am not the only one. I am 55 and have recently been diagnosed with severe arthritis in my right hip which may, probably, almost certainly will require a replacement.
I titled this The New 'Hip' because the generation I belong to is a huge bulge of people called the 'Baby Boomers' and our upcoming retirements are going to create a whole block of people who are not only able to be more involved with things they love and may have never tried, but will also experience health issues, political issues and social issues, in ways and numbers never seen before.
I think that by sheer numbers my generation will be establishing the new 'Hip' or trends. It is also a play on my upcoming surgery.
I hope to run an ongoing commentary on things that interest me but may also be reflective of the demographic I belong to.
I was really surprised when my family doc told me I had arthritis to the extent I do. It was scary to think that at some point the top of my femur would be cut off and replaced with a stainless steel ball joint(or is it another metal) drilled into the centre of the bone. Yikes...!!!
I was equal parts grossed out by the procedure (which I researched with startling detail via the internet), afraid of the pain, and nervous about the recovery.
My day to day pain level is what drove me to the Dr. in the first place. I hadn't been able to do any casual walking or bike riding for a few years and my gait was reminiscent of Danny DeVito as the penguin in the Batman movies; waddling side to side and when it was really bad, throwing my right arm forward to get the momentum needed to walk. I was taking Tylenol extra strength and ibuprofen daily as well as a tylenol with muscle relaxant and still suffering enough to be unable to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I couldn't tie my right shoe or clip my toenails, doing the dishes was a two part production and sitting or driving for more than a half hour caused so much stiffness that when I stood I had to pause and make the brain contact the limb for cooperation Ultimately the condition has driven me to EI medical leave with the hope that I may get in to see the surgeon on short notice and have the surgery quicly thereafter (fingers crossed).
The kicker is that for all those sleepless nights I had been blaming myself because I am so overweight. I put off going to the Dr. because I couldn't commit to weight loss and the combination of being ashamed of myself for letting my weight get so high and thinking I might not get the help I needed made me reluctant to complain.
I have a great Doctor. She is kind, a really good listener and supportive. I was sent for X-rays and by the time I went back to see her she had already sent my file on to the orthopedic surgeon. I didn't hear a thing about weight (although I know that it can't but help with pain). We talked about the diagnosis and the options (hip replacement) and ended with a hug (she really is so great).
The reality of the situation took a while to sink in. Basically I wasn't just fat and out of shape but I had a serious albeit treatable condition. I had been dragging myself around, punishing myself with self reproach and suffering needlessly. Imagine if I had gone to see the Dr. six months ago or even a year ago?..I may very well have had a new hip now.
It is a weird kind of realization when some of the illnesses that occur in old age start to appear. When I had to get bifocals the optometrist used the dreaded A word "Age" when he was explainging the need for them.
Do we ever consider ourselves older, or old? It truly is the next stop on my life's train. I am officially over the halfway mark of my life. I don't mean to say I believe the best is gone but 'the times they are a changin'. Every year from here on in leads me closer to a whole new take on time and living. No more babies for me, the best years of taut skin have passed, I'm not fussy on sleeping on the ground when camping (though my darling little van with the foamy in the back is unbelievably comfy) and I am staring to think about how much pension I might be living on. Many in my bulging generation will be single women, possibly never married so there will not be duo pensions and veterans or widows benefits to supplement the governments generosity(????)
I've worked in long-term care for just about 20 years and have seen the best and worst of outcomes, intentions and promises by governments and academics come and go. I admit to being frightened by what I've seen and having few role models for a happy, healthy, expanding older life. My intention is to establish these for myself and share knowledge and support with my friends. I am just starting to feel like an authentic life is available to me and I am not really interested in letting a new hip do anything but improve the odds. I can say for dam sure that I am not over wanting to have lots of fun, maybe a boyfriend or two (must like big girls), writing books, becoming a well known photographer and possibly taking to the folk clubs to sing (man I love to sing).
So begins the jorney of The New 'Hip'. I am interested to write and just as interested for genuine feedback regarding my ideas.
Talk to anyone reading this soon
Jane
This is my first attempt at blogging and I am not really sure what to expect. I wanted to write because I am at a bit of a crossroads in my life and I am pretty sure I am not the only one. I am 55 and have recently been diagnosed with severe arthritis in my right hip which may, probably, almost certainly will require a replacement.
I titled this The New 'Hip' because the generation I belong to is a huge bulge of people called the 'Baby Boomers' and our upcoming retirements are going to create a whole block of people who are not only able to be more involved with things they love and may have never tried, but will also experience health issues, political issues and social issues, in ways and numbers never seen before.
I think that by sheer numbers my generation will be establishing the new 'Hip' or trends. It is also a play on my upcoming surgery.
I hope to run an ongoing commentary on things that interest me but may also be reflective of the demographic I belong to.
I was really surprised when my family doc told me I had arthritis to the extent I do. It was scary to think that at some point the top of my femur would be cut off and replaced with a stainless steel ball joint(or is it another metal) drilled into the centre of the bone. Yikes...!!!
I was equal parts grossed out by the procedure (which I researched with startling detail via the internet), afraid of the pain, and nervous about the recovery.
My day to day pain level is what drove me to the Dr. in the first place. I hadn't been able to do any casual walking or bike riding for a few years and my gait was reminiscent of Danny DeVito as the penguin in the Batman movies; waddling side to side and when it was really bad, throwing my right arm forward to get the momentum needed to walk. I was taking Tylenol extra strength and ibuprofen daily as well as a tylenol with muscle relaxant and still suffering enough to be unable to sleep for more than a few hours at a time. I couldn't tie my right shoe or clip my toenails, doing the dishes was a two part production and sitting or driving for more than a half hour caused so much stiffness that when I stood I had to pause and make the brain contact the limb for cooperation Ultimately the condition has driven me to EI medical leave with the hope that I may get in to see the surgeon on short notice and have the surgery quicly thereafter (fingers crossed).
The kicker is that for all those sleepless nights I had been blaming myself because I am so overweight. I put off going to the Dr. because I couldn't commit to weight loss and the combination of being ashamed of myself for letting my weight get so high and thinking I might not get the help I needed made me reluctant to complain.
I have a great Doctor. She is kind, a really good listener and supportive. I was sent for X-rays and by the time I went back to see her she had already sent my file on to the orthopedic surgeon. I didn't hear a thing about weight (although I know that it can't but help with pain). We talked about the diagnosis and the options (hip replacement) and ended with a hug (she really is so great).
The reality of the situation took a while to sink in. Basically I wasn't just fat and out of shape but I had a serious albeit treatable condition. I had been dragging myself around, punishing myself with self reproach and suffering needlessly. Imagine if I had gone to see the Dr. six months ago or even a year ago?..I may very well have had a new hip now.
It is a weird kind of realization when some of the illnesses that occur in old age start to appear. When I had to get bifocals the optometrist used the dreaded A word "Age" when he was explainging the need for them.
Do we ever consider ourselves older, or old? It truly is the next stop on my life's train. I am officially over the halfway mark of my life. I don't mean to say I believe the best is gone but 'the times they are a changin'. Every year from here on in leads me closer to a whole new take on time and living. No more babies for me, the best years of taut skin have passed, I'm not fussy on sleeping on the ground when camping (though my darling little van with the foamy in the back is unbelievably comfy) and I am staring to think about how much pension I might be living on. Many in my bulging generation will be single women, possibly never married so there will not be duo pensions and veterans or widows benefits to supplement the governments generosity(????)
I've worked in long-term care for just about 20 years and have seen the best and worst of outcomes, intentions and promises by governments and academics come and go. I admit to being frightened by what I've seen and having few role models for a happy, healthy, expanding older life. My intention is to establish these for myself and share knowledge and support with my friends. I am just starting to feel like an authentic life is available to me and I am not really interested in letting a new hip do anything but improve the odds. I can say for dam sure that I am not over wanting to have lots of fun, maybe a boyfriend or two (must like big girls), writing books, becoming a well known photographer and possibly taking to the folk clubs to sing (man I love to sing).
So begins the jorney of The New 'Hip'. I am interested to write and just as interested for genuine feedback regarding my ideas.
Talk to anyone reading this soon
Jane
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